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Celebrate your singlehood
Cebu Daily News
June 22, 2005
Page 19 - 20

WHETHER you are newly single or still waiting for that elusive person to come your way, it may come as a surprise that being unattached offers a lot more advantages than what is normally accepted. Society may put the pressure, more unfairly so on single women than men, to walk to the altar and procreate - but recent studies have shown that literally tens of millions of responsible, well-adjusted people are seeking out and living new ways of relating that don't embrace the traditional model of "one man, one woman, sexually/emotionally exclusive, legally bound for life."

Therapists Robert Alberti and Bruce Fisher, in their book, "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends," claim that "singleness has become an acceptable alternative in our society. A generation or two ago, a single person was looked upon in the community as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar." As popular beliefs have changed with society's transitions, so you must make changes when you move from being in a couple to being on your own. The most important change is in your mind. As Shakespeare said, "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

Singleness can be a productive and happy experience if you consciously choose to think of it that way. Depending whose statistics you choose to believe, psychologists have predicted that as many as 70 percent of marriages will experience "cheating" one or more times during their existence. Nearly a third of all children under 18 live in single-parent households. Divorce may not be legal in this country, but the rate of annulment and legal separation has been increasing the past years.

What does this say?

Having been glorified and idealized for much of history, has marriage become a thing to fear? In this day and age, young people are breaking out of the mold. They are forging new career paths, and banking on their enormous energies to work hard, and play harder. Most young professionals between the ages of 20-35 are becoming so busy juggling different projects and meeting deadlines, they hardly have time to go on a steady relationship, much less, to date.

Thus, online dating services and virtual classifieds have become fresh, not to mention, easy, alternatives for young mobile individuals to meet other people of similar interests. The online setup allows them to keep a safe distance, and not be too disappointed with the end results. If both ends are interested, they can agree to meet in what is commonly termed as "eyeballing. "

Furthermore, related technologies like text messaging, blogs and e-posts ensure that communication is fast, convenient, and hassle-free. Singles these days are increasingly technology-savvy, and their lifestyle indicates that they have become more mobile and more empowered. The single of today knows his or her worth. He or she is presented with more choices, spend more time in different activities like sports, traveling, and clubs.

"Learning to enjoy being single involves the ability to experience everything through your own essence, instead of living vicariously through a spouse or partner," says psychotherapist Ernie Zelinski. "In an ideal society, singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons."
Living before settling.

Most people have a lot of living to do before they're truly ready to settle into responsible family lives. Marrying before one has sown his wild oats may bring a lot of unnecessary baggage into the relationship. After separation, it may be necessary to make up for lost time in terms of self-discovery. Many separated or annulled people do with their singleness what they should have done before they married for the first time: live alone, date a variety of people, go to the gym, develop new friends and interests, learn how to care for themselves." These are the ways young people learn who they are and what makes them unique.

It's important to learn as much as possible about somebody before you marry or live with that person. To live with yourself successfully, you'll have to go through the same process. You could even ask yourself the questions you might ask a prospective date, to get to know him or her. "What do I like to do for fun?" "What are my dreams and goals?" "What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this?" And when you answer, be honest with yourself. Your own answers may surprise you, if you look inside and ignore outside influences. Many of us have been so influenced -- by our family, friends, teachers, employers and social norms -- in our habits and opinions that we deny the truths about our own personalities to ourselves.

As La Rochefoucaud put it, "Being alone is a markedly different experience from being lonely." You might find yourself a fascinating companion.
Suddenly single.

Unfortunately, many people were taught by tradition to get married as soon as they could and to establish themselves in a nuclear family setting. As Fisher and Alberti point out, these people "never learned to be single persons before they married. They went from parental homes to marriage homes, never even considered that one could be happy living as a single person."

If a relationship doesn't work out, there's the plummet in self-confidence after being rejected by a longtime partner; there's the loneliness, the feeling of not being whole without somebody to share one's life with; and there's the disillusionment in marriage as the great happily-ever-after, or at least in your own marriage as "the real thing." You'll grieve the loss of what you thought was marital bliss. What could be more painful than the loss, however, is the fear of being single. How will I cope? you wonder. It's scary to start over by yourself after depending on your marriage for so long. You may have merged your identity so closely with your spouse's -defining yourself as half of a couple, not as an individual -- that you can't imagine continuing on your own. Perhaps you don't know if you're strong enough to take care of yourself without a spouse's help. Or you're ashamed of singlehood in a society defined by relationships. Will I survive? Will I be of use? Can I still find happiness?

Reinventing yourself as a single person will be challenging, and renewed singlehood is often a major turning point in lives like this. "Making the most out of being single," says Zelinski, "means taking advantage of the freedom to create a lifestyle that is adventurous, exciting, and rewarding for you." And you can live this lifestyle without any worry that a significant other might not approve.

Suppose that you've always wanted to travel abroad, but couldn't because your partner was afraid of flying, or couldn't take time off from his career, or just didn't want to. Well, now's your chance. Have you had a book inside you for years that has been dying to get written? Nobody's stopping you. If you have children, you're free to spend your time building on your relationships with them --without a spouse around to judge or limit your influence upon them.

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination and determination. You can finish that college degree, go to the neighborhood bar anytime, do charity work, join a night class, stay out all night, flirt with anybody you please. With the freedom of time comes the freedom of action. You don't have to share the bathroom or the remote control; you can watch TV or read or eat in bed without disturbing someone else; you can choose which furniture, food, and clothes to buy based on your own tastes. You might even find that creative interests lead you to that more satisfying new career. The possibilities are endless.